Striking Out
by Daria234
Summary: Sylar/various. Crack!fic where Sylar tries to shapeshift to seduce various heroes but he keeps guessing wrong as to the kind of partner they're looking for. SLASH and HET both don't read if you don't like .


Written for comment_fic on Livejournal

Prompt was Sylar switches genders to seduce heroes of various sexual preferences

Okay. He NEEDED a brain and he needed it now.

Specifically, he needed someone with very, very special gaydar.

Because this was just not working.

He had tried Peter first. He guessed that Peter would want a young man, maybe a little on the androgynous side. Thin and delicate the way Peter was not too long ago.

Sylar could just see them together, pouty lips meeting under two sets of silky unkempt bangs.

But Peter had kindly and politely told him that he wasn't interested.

So then, not quite done with the Petrelli clan, Sylar tried Nathan. While Nathan was looking over some files at a DC bar, Sylar showed as a busty blonde woman in a power suit with expensive lingerie underneath. And it worked. It worked great. Until Nathan looked toward the bar and saw ... a thin, fragile androgynous young man with silky unkempt bangs. Probably some GW student. But then immediately it was like Sylar wasn't even there.

So Sylar moved on. Angela would want someone young and buff. She was so class-conscious, her fantasy was probably some Chippendale cliche, like a fireman or construction worker, the kind whose shirts carely contained their rippled torsos of muscled flesh. 'Geez, where did that image come from?' Sylar thought to himself, before shamefully recalling that one time when he read a romance novel. It wasn't his fault, though - he got bored waiting for a bookstore clerk who happened to have the ability to make Jello turn into pudding and vice versa. It could possibly be useful some day, okay? Don't judge.

But when he got to Angela's apartment, even without superhearing he could tell that she already had company. Hovering then outside her window, Sylar saw that Angela was entertaining three women of a certain age, none of whom were wearing more than a nightie.

So Sylar was wrong again. Every time he was sure he was right, his plans to seduce would get him nowhere. With all his powers he couldn't for the life of him figure out what people wanted. He saw it as a challenge, to improve himself - being the best hero-seducer was just one more way to be better than others. He was upset about the situation because sex is power, and Sylar loved power. Or at least, that's what he told himself when he realized that he had been striking out 100% of the time. He tried hard not to cry.

And it kept happening, again and again. Even random guessing should have gotten a higher rate correct than Sylar did.

He was positive Matt was straight. He wasn't.

He was postive Elle was straight. She wasn't.

Same thing for Claire. Finally, Sylar-as-nineteen-year-old-boy just handed Elle's phone number to Claire and walked out.

Bennet was obviously bisexual, Sylar knew from experience. But it turned out that Bennet only nailed people he had strong feelings about, either love or hate. He wasn't interested in Sylar-as-stranger.

So Sylar decided to go for the obvious. Clearly, Hiro was gay. The trick would be getting him to cheat on Ando.

But it turned out that Hiro was straight. And so was Ando.

WTF?

Finally, he knocked on Mohinder's door, covering the peephole to prevent Mohinder from seeing him. Mohinder's voice called. "Who is it?"

Sylar slid a note under the door that said, "Who do you want it to be?" and waited for an answer, set to use his lie-detecting abilities.

After a pause, "I know it's you, Sylar."

Sylar gaped and answered through the door, "How?"

"Who else is insane enough to try to terrorize me with a note under the door?" Mohinder spat.

"Elle."

"Besides her."

"Bennet."

"Besides him."

"Matt on a really bad day."

"Enough, Sylar! Why the game?"

Sylar paused. "I'm here to change shape and seduce you."

"Funny."

"Not kidding. But if you're not into it, I'll just go home, shapeshift into you, and have fun with myself in front of the mirror."

"What? You can't do that!"

"Sure I can, it's a free country. Also, I'm incredibly powerful, so it'd be very hard to stop me."

"But that's my body! That's disgusting!"

"You need to work on your self-image."

"Sylar, you are impossible."

"Fine! If you're going to be like that, I'll go! But just remember, next time you have sex with someone - anyone - you'll be wondering whether it's really me! You'll have to worry about that every time you have sex with anyone your entire life!" Sylar stormed off in a temper.

Mohinder turned around and went back to the bedroom where he immediately laid a kiss on his lover's thick, bushy eyebrow.

"Who was that?" Peter asked, although of course he was using the face and voice of Gabriel Gray.

"Nobody you need to be concerned with," Mohinder smiled. "Now... where were we?"


End file.
